I don't have secrets anymore 🌹

We continue our conversation on Transformation with the 5 of Cups.

As I continue to bloom into the person my spirits and good ancestors know me to be, I can’t help but be pulled into moments of grief for the versions of myself I have had to put to rest along the way.

I think back to the young femme I once was. Angry, strung out on a cocktail of drugs and alcohol, sleeping in my car with my entire life stored in my trunk (including a statue of Caridad del Cobre that came with my abuelita Dora from Cuba).

I mourn for that version of myself sometimes, as I wake up to the sound of my 5am alarm and my children squishing themselves under my armpit asking “can I have pancakes right now?”

Stumbling through Hollywood alone in the dark, dancing myself clean in musty warehouses downtown, sleeping in shop doorways on nights when I couldn’t find my way to my car or someone’s couch or a random’s bed… I felt so free.

Was I free though? Was I free or was I running from responsibility? Was I free or was I avoiding accountability for the destruction my addiction and turbulent romances caused in not only my life but in the lives of those who wanted to be close to me?

These days, I embrace my responsibilities. I pay my bills on time - and although the pressure of late stage capitalism forking sucks - I do so with gratitude that I have the funds in my account, that I have a bank account at all and am not still dependent on the check cashing spot on the corner of Cherokee Avenue (if you know you know!).

I embrace learning my kids food preferences, and planning meals for home and for school that will make them smile and feel seen and loved and keep their bellies full. I embrace the responsibility that comes with holding spiritual space for clients, connecting them to the realms unseen, being trusted with their deepest secrets, their darkest desires. I embrace the responsibility of tending to my many spirits at their many altars, the amount of space they take up in our wee apartment in the city I love so damn much, Los Angeles.

I don’t have secrets anymore. I am no longer keeping track of (and really, tripping over) my many webs of lies. When I want something I say it. When I am somewhere, I am present.

The pleasure of my responsibilities surpasses the pleasure of living on whiskey and cigarettes and just one more line and then I’m done I swear it this time….

The freedom of my responsibilities surpasses the freedom I was so sure I had back then.

I'm only alive because I left that version of myself behind, and yet, I mourn for the Kaitlyn that once was from time to time. I miss them, I miss their chaos. I miss how utterly fearless they were (recklessly so, I suppose).

I don’t miss their pain, though. I don’t miss the trail of grief they constantly left behind them.

So I grant myself permission to grieve in those moments. Then I let that grief pass, and lean into the freedom that being honest and sober has granted me.

The freedom that listening to my Spirits Wise and Well has granted me.

Transformation does not come without it’s discomforts, and freedom does not come without responsibility, but goddamn it’s so worth it.

And if you, my dear, are ready to tend to your good spirits, to let them help you find the way to the versions of yourself the Universe and your Good Ancestors know you are, join me this Spring for Into the Veil.

I thank God everyday for the blessings Espiritismo has granted me. Allow me to be your guide to the freedoms the Boveda has to offer you.